Searching for Absolution
Hatred is one of those powerful, all-consuming emotions that roots itself down into your very soul and darkens all that is light.
I’ve seen it work it’s black magic into decades worth of grudges destroying relationships along the way. Sometimes over even the most insignificant and trivial things. It’s silly rather. I should know. I’ve been there.
It is not a pretty place.
But I find the worst kind of all to be self-loathing. To be specific, of the regrettable and unforgivable mistake variety. We make decisions on a daily basis, hopefully, with the best of intentions. But occasionally, that angel on the right goes on an extended lunch break and we did the unthinkable. Fallible, we stepped off the path and made a huge error in judgement. Huge. BIG.
Then come the consequences and at a great price.
If only someone would hurry up and invent the magic time machine so we can go back and fix our mistakes. Hind sight is always 20/20. But instead, the repercussions of our mistakes ripple through time leaving great damage in it’s wake. There’s no turning back. It’s time to survey the scenery and see if there are any survivors and which mental funerals require our attendance.
And we hate ourselves for it. For the loss. For the emotional destruction. For the relationships that were sacrificed. For our own stupidity. And our own short-sightedness. Unforgiven by our actions. Searching for absolution. External absolution. Whether from the person we wronged or from God. Often times, feeling like we come up empty handed left to wander through the days with a heavy heart.
And there we stay. Stuck in the past of shoulda, woulda, couldas. Recycling the events over and over again, regurgitating every possible scenario until we’re sick to our stomachs. Dad would say that all you have to do is ask for forgiveness and it will be granted.
For those of us who’s faith may waver with a little uncertainty, and since it’s impossible to turn back the clock and undo the wrong, the first step toward moving forward is to reach down into the black and find internal absolution. To forgive oneself. It’s one of the hardest things to do. But we are all human and we make mistakes. Every. Last. One of us. So forgive. Learn and move forward.
Capable, we are of some of the most unspeakable things. But we’re also capable of love. That reason alone is worth standing up, dusting off the past and starting over.
(Before I start singing…)
This was another creation from the Brooke Shaden Workshop in Salernes, France. Kory, who is always so willing to help out another artist in need by stepping in as a model when needed, makes an appearance here…before he cut off his long hair! Thanks, Kory!